HUMPTULIPS, SOUTH CAROLINA – The seeds of consciousness are planted deep in the microscopic world, according to a radical new theory by University of Northern South Carolina professor of kinetic sculpture Villam W. Bacfarc. In a groundbreaking peer-reviewed multidisciplinary paper published in the Journal of Physics, Pottery, and Home Medicine, Prof. Bacfarc supplements the standard formulation of physics with a new type of object. His theory combines the experimental successes of string theory and the striking intellectual triumphs of the strong anthropic principle to revolutionize science in a way not seen since Einstein’s relativity.

At the heart of Prof. Bacfarc’s paradigm is a new object, named the tackyon. The tackyon mediates interactions between superstrings, much as bosons mediate interactions between particles in the Standard Model of physics. Tackyons get their name because they “tack together” strings, according to Bacfarc. While fermions (such as electrons, quarks, and neutrinos) require two revolutions to return to their original configuration, tackyons require three full revolutions. This simple yet radical idea is what physics needs to unify gravity, quantum physics, and consciousness, says Dr. Bacfarc.

“The most striking and unexpected discovery was that Intelligent Design isn’t really incompatible with evolution after all,” writes Prof. Bacfarc (who holds degrees from a number of accredited online universities). In the Bacfarc unified tackyon theory (BUTT), the tackyons are themselves a mediator of consciousness, so in a sense life intelligently designs itself on a subatomic scale. As Bacfarc puts it, “The line between ‘living’ and ‘unliving’ is no more.”

Another innovation in the tackyon theory is the number of dimensions the universe has. While most of physics is done in the four dimensions Einstein established, string theory has settled on eleven dimensions; tackyons split the difference with seven and a half dimensions, so that fractal geometry is built into the heart of BUTT. “No theory is as chaotic as tackyon theory,” writes Bacfarc.

A theory as radical as this has its critics, of course, and Bacfarc admits to having trouble finding a publisher. “The establishment has a vested interest in keeping things as they are,” but eventually he found a journal open-minded enough to accept how earth-shattering the predictions of BUTT are.

As significant as this theory is, even Bacfarc admits it’s not yet complete. “I just can’t seem to fit Newt Gingrich into it yet,” he says. “There’s just some aspect of his existence that tackyons are insufficient to describe as they stand.” However, he is optimistic that having explained Ron Paul with BUTT, Gingrich cannot be too far behind.